so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
