I can't breathe out the right side of my face
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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