I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Randomize
