yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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