I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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