i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
