i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
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