Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Randomize
