he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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