i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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