I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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