College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
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