I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
