my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
