Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
