my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
