Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
