I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Randomize
