I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
