im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
