i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
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