I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
