I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
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