He asked to "fluff my boner.."
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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