i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
