I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
