My nipple is on Facebook.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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