last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Randomize
