Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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