on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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