I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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