I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
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