I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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