Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
