Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
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