Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I enjoy the company of your penis
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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