if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Randomize
