I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
