wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
