Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
you had me at cake vodka
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
