How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I did not marry a roomba.
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