DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
