Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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