I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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