No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Randomize
