Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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