I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Randomize
