apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Your cock deserves a montage
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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