yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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