Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
